I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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