Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Randomize
