I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
