vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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