i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
