I wish my penis had an off switch
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
