I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
