you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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