Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
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