I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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