note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I just gift wrapped bread.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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