I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
