sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Randomize
