You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
