you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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