I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
