....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Randomize
