Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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