Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
