I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
