eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
