the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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