i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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