Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I have fence marks all over my body
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
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