plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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