PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
