He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
