so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
