I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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