when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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