Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
as a side note pls kill me
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Randomize
