I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
