So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
