He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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