Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
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I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
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Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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