I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
