so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
