he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
