I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Randomize
