Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
ttyl tear gas
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Randomize
