Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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