I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
