He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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