She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Randomize
