I can feel you judging me through the phone.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
