Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Randomize
