So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
