Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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