I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Randomize
