worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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