Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
the day after is always just damage control
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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