He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
