I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Four minutes until I can fart!
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
