just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
