Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Randomize
