my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
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They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
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Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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