Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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