sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
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i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
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I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
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