Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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