Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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