he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
