I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
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False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
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I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize